Thursday, June 08, 2006

SEND A SALAMI...


My car reeks of salami.

This, as a result of my role as food trafficker for my mother-in-law.

Food is not the central thing in life - it is life itself. Try living without it and I quote. She does present a cogent argument. My mother-in-law and her sister speak, oh five, six times a day. Who am I to knock it? Some chat on the phone, some e-mail and blog. They have the phone, they talk. The length of their conversations, not long; the topic - food, sales, shopping market circulars. Oh, and of course, the grandkids, but first food and what's on sale where. If she knew that as I type this I have no idea what a half gallon of milk or a dozen eggs go for at our local store, no less at 4 different locations, she would ask "Oh, you guys are rich? Put one dollar to one dollar, you get two dollars". Truth is, I am sure not a soul alive could save money the way this woman does, but she has not been to a movie theatre in ten years on the other hand.

Now the reason my car reeks is that MIL's sister mentions that she is running low on salami. She dare not run out, her son - the doctor (please know to say that with a Jewish inflection - just trying to be helpful) eats it. Dr. Salami (a renowned plastic surgeon) would die a thousand deaths if any of his patients could see him in his parents' quaint Queens home chowing down on the stuff. Back to the price wars: MIL to sister, "How much do you pay? I can get it cheaper on 99th St." And so, it comes down to me to deliver the contraband from time to time enroute to work. Often, I don't know what I'm trafficking, only if it requires refrigeration. Only today, I forget and realize when I am leaving, nope won't have enough time to deliver in the am. Call MIL from the car "Let your sister know not to expect me this am, I got a late start, I'll stop by on my way home"...MIL: "Oh, that's a shame, she already opened the door and is waiting for you. It's okay Gina, go this evening." Right. Have a good day. I no longer feel guilty or annoyed by these comments. I just breathe, ohmmmmmm, and reply "Feel good - talk to you later".

Well, when I get to my office, I look at the salami in the bag (along with a bottle of sleeping pills - don't ask) and think, I'm not bringing that into my office and so leave it there in the back seat.

When I get into my car this evening, it reeeeeks! The smell is still in my brain. Actually, it's probably in my hair. I drop it off at her sister's and now the fight over currency. How much is it? I don't have this privileged info. She calls. Now they're in a fight over sister not paying this time. MIL owes her for flour and sugar on sale last week at Pathmark. Sister shaking. Me? I just want to go home, thank you. Calm sister down, go out to my VienerMobile, open windows - wide and drive home.

I draw the line at manure for their gardens. All right, I'll deliver it in the morning then.

26 comments:

Miz BoheMia said...

I AM FIRST! Damn Blogger! It took the fun outta posting this last time... not much of a party I tell you!

Oh my! Here's to a quick cleansing and fresh smelling car soon! You are indeed sweet to go through so much over salami!!! Lucky for me, being a vegetarian I am not asked to perform such acts!

Once though, a friend of mine wanted me to drive him to buy a mouse to feed to his snake. I couldn't do it. Yes, I am weird that way. He kept saying that I was only driving the mouse, not responsible for killing it. I told him that it would be the same as driving a man to a destination where he would meet a certain death. I wouldn't do that... so same thing for the mouse. He finally got it...

I don't know what this has to do with anything.... I am going through comment withdrawals... need to get them and need to leave them... come on, gimme another hit! YEAH BABY YEAH! *snort, snort*

;-P

brian said...

What is that smell! All the way from NYC, oh, it's just salami girl.lol Morning GQ, nothing like food to come between family and your sanity. Myself, I eat to live, I'd be happy with a pill. Sacre bleu!

Doug said...

OK, that was funny and fun.

""Oh, that's a shame, she already opened the door and is waiting for you. It's okay Gina, go this evening."

Too funny!

Joel said...

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Jerry can't get the B.O., left behind by a valet, out his car. Good luck with that! Smell on the brain is the worst...odd how that happens.

First Nations said...

oh lordy-tell me it wasn't garlic salami.
burn incense with the car shut and leave it overnight! then your car will smell like ethnic hippies have been partying in it.

G said...

Miz B: I wanted to hit the computer with the salami! Bloody blogga! You know, the whole event makes me want to become a vegitarian. I do admire your committment to your conviction I must say!

Brian - You smelled it right? I'm not going crazy? Okay, don't answer.

Doug - As I look at those words, even I have to laugh - sometimes until I cry.

Joel: LOL - exactly! To this day, I can't smell certain perfumes without it harkening back to my "morning sickness" days of my pregnancy. I know - thanks for sharing G.

FN: I'm sure - Kosher salami always is. I would prefer the hippie thing, at least I might experience a flashback. ALthough some of my MIL episodes are like that.

puppytoes said...

i'm guessing you're due to pick up several loaves of bread from some obscure bakery, right? leave that in your car, along with a big wheel of cheese. then you car will smell like a nice salami sandwich! problem solved. (i'm a vegetarian, too... but i can take the "smell" of salami on good bread, long as i don't have to eat it)

how well i know the "i can get this cheaper here... and that cheaper there" scenario. my mother wins this contest, hands down. she does it not just by going to several different stores, but with coupons. hundreds, maybe thousands of coupons. she once got an entire cart full of groceries for $4.78...SWEAR TO GOD. not me. i'm all about convenience. full price? as long as the lines are short, i'll pay!

loveloveloved this post! you know, dear G... you work in the city... i'm but a train ride away (actually i can and often do drive into nyc, as well)... shouldn't we plan a little lunch hook up soon? i'll buy! (as long as there's no long lines... and we can get a good table somewhere) : D

G said...

Puppytoes: - Waaaaaaah! I don't work in the city anymore. My company opened an office on Long Island so I am here. But all is not lost, we'll make a date - perhaps over the summer and I'll meet you in the city. I will, I will! That would be fuuuun! Where's Kyah today, I miss her.

puppytoes said...

kyahgirl is in edmonton, doing who knows what. it's that "working girl" thing, i guess!

so, i don't suppose you're anywhere near East Quogue, are ya? one of my dearest friends lives there, and i'm overdue for a visit...

otherwise... nyc it is!

G said...

No, but we could talk. Anyway, getting ready to hit the road so will be in light touch over the weekend because I'll be at a family graduation party in Rhode Island. Be passing through your lovely state! Have a good weekend.

Kyahgirl said...

Someone is going to tell you girls to get a room :-)

If you're planning a date, I'm feeling jealous.

Oh well, you two have given me way more incentive to go to another Sniffapalooza in NYC. I went to one last spring and wish I'd known you then!

Great post by the way, you're like Family Food Ferrying service g.

Fill your car with wet dogs, that will get rid of the smell and replace it with a better one!!

The Village Idiot said...

you know..I love this story...Oh thats a shame she already opened the front door for you...Simply Priceless

and...you are hereby dubbed G-the Salami queen....


at least for today

G said...

Kyah! We missed you today! You better have a written note from your mother. Believe me, anything would be better than this smell. It seems to be gone, but this is further reason for me to have the car detailed. Hey, I like the idea of Sniffapalooza. Just let us know.

VI: And it's all perfectly normal, that's the funny thing. The salami queen - now that's a distinction.

Jenna Howard said...

This was a fun story, G. You have a sassy mother-in-law. I'm suddenly glad I don't have one. Hm...all of a sudden it got awfully quiet. Shhh...Dude is sleeping.

A friend's car always smells like bananas because she can never keep track of the peels. I don't know what is worth: salami or week old banana peels.

G said...

Ooohh, that's a tough one. You have no idea on the MIL front, she makes Ray Romano's mother from Everybody Loves Raymond seem reserved.

pia said...

Very funny story. Reminds me of some...
Hate salami--or most foods like that

My mom would drive ten miles to save a dime--and knew it--it was the thrill of Waldbaums over Pathmark or vice versa

Don't know how she would have liked the 'hood Waldbaums turning into Whole Foods--my sister who bought the house-finds herself there twice a day

My mom would have driven the five miles to where Waldbaums became Fairway---then we would have had great conversations comparing my Fairway to her Fairway--okay--sounds like a complaint but would have enjoyed them

Miz BoheMia said...

...she makes Ray Romano's mother from Everybody Loves Raymond seem reserved....

Oh my! Seems we have quite a few stories to dish!!! My MIL, FIL AND SIL stayed with us for 34 f&(*(^^g days and I have all my posts on them in my sidebar! TORTURE! In-laws and I DO NOT mix!

And HEY! Y'all are meeting up?!?!?!? I am not gonna consider being jealous... I ALREADY AM!!!!!!! I WANNA COME TOOOO!!!!! DAMN YOU SPAIN! SAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

tfumkzi~ To Free U, Miz, Keep Zapping Idiots... HUH?

neva said...

i once had a roommate who was oh-so-very OCD... she was impeccable about her appearance, but a total PIG about our appartment/her car/my clothes (which she borrowed ALL the time...) anyway, one of her things was to throw away the first 2 or 3 cigarettes out of a newly opened pack (i know... i'm not a smoker... this was gross in many ways). she would also only smoke 1/2 of a cigarette. the entire floor of her car was COVERED in broken and abandoned cigarettes. talk about your stinky car smells. (our bathroom sink smelled like feet, because she used to sit in it as she was putting on her make-up, but that's a story for another day, i guess)

Miz B: if we are lucky enough to meet, i promise we'll take pictures! lots and lots of pictures!! not that we'll actually show 'em to anyone, mind you, but at least you'll know that somewhere in the eastern united states they exist! (okay, so after we sort through them all and pick out the best ones and then have them air-brushed, maybe we'll post 'em and/or send you a few! hee hee! of course, i say this because i know i, for one, will completely pale in your beauty. pale i tell ya, PALE!!) xoxo

hope you had a great trip to rhode island, G... i'm sure the car aired out nicely! : P

Miz BoheMia said...

Oh Neva! Pffft! Beauty Shmeauty! You just see me with beautiful eyes my friend! YOU WILL AND MUST Send me pics!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

Here's a deal, I will send you one of my days as a frizzy-haired freak in exchange, deal?

Where you at G? (OOOOh! Sounds so ghetto! Me like!) Bohemian minds want to know! ;-) Update on the salami-ized car! :-0

weirsdo said...

You captured the intonation just by diction. I could hear them speaking, and I didn't need the doctor tip, though the uninitiated may. Great job.

G said...

Thank you all - will read in greater detail tomorrow. Just back from the family weekend graduation parties in Rhode Island. A good time had by all. I'll be in touch.

Kyahgirl said...

Hello? how are we coming along in the linkage department?? ;-) Need any help?

G said...

I'm back - back in the New York Groove!

Pia: that's it exactly - the thrill of the hunt. Very funny.
MizB: I'll have to check back and read some of your IL stories, I am sure we can start a support group. I did read something once on your blog about in-laws and cats being let out where they shouldn't be. Okay, I lurked, I wanted to comment, yet I didn't. So here we are now.

Who? What? Pictures - airbrushing? Let's all go to Spain. I just came from getting my niece on a flight to India and just stared out the window getting that feeling you get in airports - I should be on one of those planes! Then Julian had a tantrum and was prone on the ground and I thought - I should be on one of those planes alone!

Neva: gross roomate indeed! Thanks for stopping by and checking in on my place while I was away.
Kyah:Thanks for the linkage query, the answer is have not even had time to think about it. But once I'm back in the swing, I'll be up and running.
Weirsdo: Thank you - I take that as a great compliment coming from you. My niece was in from Rhode Island in order for us to get her on a plane at JFK tonight and we stayed up with our cups of green tea reading Mrs. Weirsdo's Novella together (if I had the link thing going it would be here). We both thoroughly enjoyed it, and still have more to go. So now, she will read from afar in India and we shall discuss. I also shared the Pansi files and we had a good laugh as well. Thanks for the entertainment.

Logophile said...

Nice to know you have your limits.

G said...

LOL - yes indeed, limits good.

weirsdo said...

Wow. Many thanks. *Genuflecting.*