I'm Trapped!

I am certainly in my idea of living hell. I sat at my desk today facing the computer pulling up a list of regulatory courses my job assigns me each year. As I told Scissors "I would rather be cleaning a pig's pen right now then doing this course." I had to throw out the most non-Kosher animal I could think of to show my disdain.

I'd almost rather be in traffic court which coincidentally I was in on Tuesday to fight my way out of a speeding ticket. Fight my way is perhaps overstating the case. They call your name, you go up and talk to the lawyer who says "you have a 401C3, we'll knock it down to a 304A1, failure to signal and two points."

"How can I eliminate the points all together?" I ask hopefully.
"Take a defensive driving course, but truth is what are you worried about? Two points won't cause a problem with insurance."
"Well okay with me." That's one less painful course to absorb into my brain that I am sure is turning to putty with each passing day.

The lawyer then instructs me to have a seat to wait to go before the judge. A group of ten of us perps gets called in to a room to face our sentencing. As I sit there, I think of all the reasons why my ticket was unjustified and word in my head various clever defense arguments to throw down when I go before the judge. Of course, I've already accepted a plea so I don't really want to aggravate the kindly old man and when called before him I'm more like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.

When the judge reels off the charge which has been reduced to the failure to signal charge and asks if I accept it, I squeak out a pleasant "Yes, your honor."

$200 the poorer, I drive down the road thinking of what might have been if I had just opened my piehole and made a plea of any sort. All those Law and Order series for naught. Lest you think I'm some wanton speed demon, I'll highlight for you my argument:

"I was just coming off the highway onto the service road which was all downhill. I began to break but by that time the officer had caught me with his radar gun. Of course, as I coasted over to the side of the road, then and only then, did I see the partially obscured by trees speed limit sign. I attempted to politely decline my way out of the ticket pleading 'I have a clean driving record, couldn't you let me go with a warning?"

This was after all a speed trap set up to line the coffers of NY State, so my chances of that happening were slim to none. Even with a cute kid in the backseat. Yes, I took my daughter down this road to ruin with me. She actually wanted to defend me in traffic court for the reasons stated in my above argument, which I think she actually outlined for me.

The officer went on to say that he may as well just go home if that's the case and I should take comfort in the fact that I was the slowest ticket written that day. Yeah, thanks pal.

So even though I can do a Sudoku puzzle, knit a scarf and have breakfast as I drive the speed limit on this stretch of road, that's okay. I will not go above 40 MPH. Remember - don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

I should have thought of that when I took this job.