Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I'm Trapped!

I am certainly in my idea of living hell. I sat at my desk today facing the computer pulling up a list of regulatory courses my job assigns me each year. As I told Scissors "I would rather be cleaning a pig's pen right now then doing this course." I had to throw out the most non-Kosher animal I could think of to show my disdain.

I'd almost rather be in traffic court which coincidentally I was in on Tuesday to fight my way out of a speeding ticket. Fight my way is perhaps overstating the case. They call your name, you go up and talk to the lawyer who says "you have a 401C3, we'll knock it down to a 304A1, failure to signal and two points."

"How can I eliminate the points all together?" I ask hopefully.
"Take a defensive driving course, but truth is what are you worried about? Two points won't cause a problem with insurance."
"Well okay with me." That's one less painful course to absorb into my brain that I am sure is turning to putty with each passing day.

The lawyer then instructs me to have a seat to wait to go before the judge. A group of ten of us perps gets called in to a room to face our sentencing. As I sit there, I think of all the reasons why my ticket was unjustified and word in my head various clever defense arguments to throw down when I go before the judge. Of course, I've already accepted a plea so I don't really want to aggravate the kindly old man and when called before him I'm more like the cowardly lion in the Wizard of Oz.

When the judge reels off the charge which has been reduced to the failure to signal charge and asks if I accept it, I squeak out a pleasant "Yes, your honor."

$200 the poorer, I drive down the road thinking of what might have been if I had just opened my piehole and made a plea of any sort. All those Law and Order series for naught. Lest you think I'm some wanton speed demon, I'll highlight for you my argument:

"I was just coming off the highway onto the service road which was all downhill. I began to break but by that time the officer had caught me with his radar gun. Of course, as I coasted over to the side of the road, then and only then, did I see the partially obscured by trees speed limit sign. I attempted to politely decline my way out of the ticket pleading 'I have a clean driving record, couldn't you let me go with a warning?"

This was after all a speed trap set up to line the coffers of NY State, so my chances of that happening were slim to none. Even with a cute kid in the backseat. Yes, I took my daughter down this road to ruin with me. She actually wanted to defend me in traffic court for the reasons stated in my above argument, which I think she actually outlined for me.

The officer went on to say that he may as well just go home if that's the case and I should take comfort in the fact that I was the slowest ticket written that day. Yeah, thanks pal.

So even though I can do a Sudoku puzzle, knit a scarf and have breakfast as I drive the speed limit on this stretch of road, that's okay. I will not go above 40 MPH. Remember - don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

I should have thought of that when I took this job.


Anonymous said...

If it really was a speed trap, that is entrapment, so you do not have to pay the ticket. But I'm not sure what defines a speed trap in NY.

Ariel the Thief said...

Sounds odd to me too, can they trap you BEFORE the speed limit sign?

It was a funny writing anyway. Slowest written ticket that day? THAT you should have told about to the kindly old man. And now let's go piggy cleaning. All you have to do is to shoot the boar if he tries to have me for breakfast. ;-)

Doug The Una said...

I am innocent! The officer could not possibly have seen me speed because at that very moment I was on the opposite side murdering an orphan. With your permission, I'd like to submit this head as evidence. *holds up head*

Tom & Icy said...

I made the smallest mess on the carpet today.

G said...

Weirsdo, I think you have to actually drive into a mousetrap shaped police vehicle in NY. Yeah, unfortunately their setup was legal and I was caught doing something illegal, albeit marginally.

Ariel, they trapped me after, but just the same the argument is that if you drive, you're supposed to know the speed limit - the posting is often just a "courtesy."

I've got your back. Should I also shoot any bores who come your way?

Doug, where were you when I needed you to defend me?! I'm sure that I could have conjured up an orphan's head.

Icy, did Tom give you a ticket? I bet not. Dogs have it so much better than us humans.

Claire said...

Speed traps are an age old method of collecting more money for the state. Oh well, at least your insurance won't be increased. We used to call them 'whammies' in Virginia.

Anonymous said...

I have a friend whose hobby used to be going to traffic court and beating parking tickets. This is a very intelligent successful businessman. However they changed most of the meters etc which, I can't hep it, makes me happy

Speed traps are another story. Never think of them in the city though I know...

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

Ha - I love it! You make a compelling case lil' g, but alas, all service roads and exit ramps hold the same speed limit, regardless of whether there's a sign or not. For the record, I pleaded my case once instead of taking the prosecution's recommendation, and it didn't get me squat.

G said...

Claire, that's it. Momma needs a new pair of paved roads. Yeah, there's that at least. I sure was whammied!

Pia, hahaha - yeah, you need a little ticket now, no more failed meters.

Actually, it wasn't in the city but on the Island - LIE service road to be exact :).

Jeff, I tried playing dumb when the kindly officer asked if I knew what the speed limit was. I squinted up and said meekly "55?" He assured me that that was not the case.

You had the option - take the reduced charge or go plead your case and probably lose and pay full ticket. I took the plea.