Tuesday, August 22, 2006

We got a 402 in progress...

It was an evening like any other in the Lampshade Household. The kids each had reasons why they ate their dinner a little earlier and so for Julian after a full day in his underpants and no accidents, he decided that enough was enough. After cleaning him up, into the bathtub he went. Tali decided she wanted to take a shower and so went downstairs for same.

Which left Scissors and I to have dinner as the two of them luxuriated on their respective lilly pads. The two of us - no kids at the table.

That is until I heard, "MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" which caused me to drop my fork and go sprinting downstairs to a locked bathroom door. Jiggle handle - "Tali, what's the matter?!" Horrified sobbing response:

T: "There's a spider outside the shower door".
M: "Okay, open the door and let me in."
T: "If I do that, he'll jump on me."
M: "Tali, spiders don't jump. Open the door quickly and just hit the handle of the door."
T: "It jumps, I saw it jump!"
M: "Open the door, Tali, I can't help you from out here."
T: "This is why I want you to take a shower with me."
M: "Open the door Tali, you can do it."

Parental Unit 1 calls for backup to Parental Unit 2 who joins me. "We got a kid frozen in fear in the shower, spider spotted on premises, *crackle* request backup."

D: "Tali open the door, it's Daddy, I'll get whatever it is.
T: "I caaaan't - I'm afraid".

I get kicked upstairs - 10 minutes elapse. Daughter still holed up in shower. I go back downstairs. Tali pleads, "Go outside and throw something in the window at it to get rid of it." I'm desperate enough for it to make sense. I go outside, open the screen (yes dear readers, this is the city so there are of course some bars (nice looking ornamental) but yes bars on the window which would prevent anyone from climbing in a tiny window that maybe a Bratz doll would fit through anyway. I can however, reach through and open the screen and for once be happy that there is a nurf football on the windowsill (?) okay. I pelt it in the direction of the offender.

M: "Tali, is it there?"
T: "It's not moving, it's dead.
M: "Okay I'm coming in - open the door."
T: "It's not deeeaaaadd, throw some other things"

Alright, three clothespins and a large wooden dreidl later (which again I am only too happy to have on hand to pelt but do wonder why we would need a dreidl in August in the backyard), the offender has moved, but not enough to satisfy Tali. A few Ello design pieces of Tali's shoved under the door and the offender has moved away from the shower door. Whereby I talk Tali off the ledge and the lever clicks downward allowing me to gallantly burst in with toilet paper in hand, drop on the floor, move things around and find a...grasshopper! Well now that would account for the jumping!

Animal rights activists may want to leave the room now. I smashed him up in the toilet paper and flushed him to his watery resting place. I turned to Tali who had injured herself in the shear terror of the moment and had blood on her side from digging her nails in. As I wrapped her up and said "There there, it's okay, Mommy's here, it's gone." Tali, no longer crying but needing to have someone to blame for this horror, glared "I told you that you should take a shower with me".

And so up we went to get her ready for the cooldown with the weaponry from the attack still lying on the floor.

Why couldn't she just have inherited my eye color?


Miz BoheMia said...

MY GOD you bloggin QUEEN! OOOWEEE! First to comment so WOOH TO DA HOOH! (and I have caught up on all that was missed I will have you know! How did I miss it all??? HOW???)

I am so laughing my head off on this one! It seems all traits stubborn, difficult, pigheaded and quirky are from yours truly! *sigh* The burden we must bear for being so fab! (Or that is what I tell myself to cope!)

Although I can completely relate to Tali's fear... I am one to go nuts and freak out like you would not believe with insects and one more thing... Tali is right, some spiders DO in fact jump!

brian said...

Morning Tali,

I completely understand. Diane has this thing about bugs, roaches and spiders big time yuck. I of course, after hearing a shriek of pure terror must rush into battle and vanquish the crawling foe. I usually, but not always, try to catch and release outside. I hope your wounds have healed.

Sincerely Brian aka hummingbunny

neva said...

you know, that happened here, once. only it was Joel in the shower, and me with the rocks/whiffle ball/dreidl.

just kidding. altho' our youngest once LOCKED himself in our bedroom when he was around 2 1/2, which was nearly caused me A) a heart attack and B) to break windows and/or door to get him out. did you know sliding a credit card into the crack in the door will only cause the card to slip through the door and/or break?

for the record, i'm all for animal rights, but all ininvited bugs must be crushed. the end.

sounds like an incontheivably exasperating-yet-funny way to start out your night, G!! xox

Pavel said...

Okay, that was was funny but not funny! Poor kid, I can see her in Oprah 20 years from now.

"Yes, Oprah, I've led a life of crime and never made it to Harvard, because of her (pointing to G)! She wouldn't take a shower with me when I was a little girl!"

I don't blame her, actually. I hate both Spiders and Grasshoppers, and forget animal rights activists. If my kids were terrified like that, it would have meant a horrible end for the offending insect in my house as well.

DaBich said...

:;shudders:: SPiders! UGH! I can't abide 'em I sympathize with poor Tali, even if it was a grasshopper. She didn't know!!
But I sympathize with Poor Mom even more!

Joel said...

What a great and very relatable story...just for the record, although garnering no credit from my beloved, I believe I've always been the designated de-bugger in our house. I tell ya, you refuse to go into a house with a Tarantula trapped in a flipped Tupperware bowl one time and you're stuck with a label for life.

For years our youngest son was deathly afraid of Bees, convinced that if bitten he would shrivel up and die on the spot...this led to histrionics beyond your wildest imagination. Much screaming and flailing and running around in circles...more often than not the "Bee" turned out to be a house fly or mosquito but the theater was top notch just the same.

FelineFrisky said...

Brian is SO right, I hate bugs. Don't even like butterflys, they're just big creepy black bugs in disguise, Roaches, spiders and catapillars are the biggest fears. Scream, they truly can hear mee down the block. Having a Knight in Shining Armour handy is just SO reassuring! D

G said...

MizB! Don't worry, I probably posted during one of your naps :) I like that - it's these strong desirable fabulous traits that I've passed on. Yessss.

On the jumping spider thing (I couldn't get her out with the jaws of life as it were - imagine if I admitted to their jumping ability). That info she will need to obtain once she leaves the bosom of her childhood home :)

Brian: I am so freaked by bugs - I can't even read the "R" word.
Now imagine that scenario - hold on Tali, while I *crash* *yuck* catch this grasshopper...

Neva - Okay now I'm laughing! Although Scissors is usually the main captor in these instances, I do notice a second hesitation going into battle. So the letter opener I found nearby was really only a means for future home repairs? Tali did that to my MIL once too at about that age and wouldn't answer her. She had to go out with a ladder and climb in the bathroom window. The woman was 72 at the time...with a heart condition. Oy vay.


Pavel: This is probably why I don't own a shotgun. On the Oprah show...G sits sheepishly when attacked by Oprah with disdain the crowd hasn't seen since James Fray's appearance...G's response "Um I was hungry".

dabich: You know reasoning through a locked door to a hysterical child, well I think I'm ready for the Middle East now.

Joel: Of course you are, Joel tarantula/daddy longlegger, whatever - it's scary. They really are full of histrionics - the likes of which I am powerless to bring reason to as they've seen me in action when an alien invades our turf. Shudders.

FF: Okay, no more "R" word. Eeh, caterpillars - I remember them when I was young, they would just drop from the trees onto your back. Okay, I need to go curl up in a ball.

Kyahgirl said...

Please forgive me for laughing my head off g. I can just feel the joyous relaxation starting seep into your dining experience when all hell broke loose.

Can I ever relate!

DaBich said...

The Middle East may be easier for you! lol

G said...

Kyah, honey - you know exactly of what I speak!

DB (may I be so bold to call you db?): don't think that very thought wasn't going through my head as my repeated failed attempts at soothing and cajoling fell upon hysterical deaf ears cowering in the shower.

FelineFrisky said...

It's another ick story, but...
When younger, during the summer, my younger sister and her little friend would collect those nasty tent catapillars - and chase me with handfulls of them! She really is demented, she thinks I'm sick! lol D

~ good girl ~ said...

LMAO!!!!!! That is hilarious!!!!!!!!!!! Why oh why couldn't she have inherited just your eye colour, indeed??!

That is one major operation you pulled off, Capt G. You got the brief, staged the hunt and resue, killed the enemy...errr...well, killed what was not the enemy, and got bloodied comrade out of danger zone.

I was once locked inside a tiny bathroom. No bugs though. But there was no window and I am given to clautrophobic hysteria. For 30 minutes, I really felt I was going mad. I went from standing to pacing to huddled on the floor. Horrible! I might have been glad for grasshopper's company, seriously.

Clothes peg?? I'll be damned. I'm going to carry a few in my bag always henceforth. You never know when I might need to pinch a menace to death.

GG xo

pinky said...

OMG, that was funny!! I mean, it was horrible for your daughter, but I totally understand. With my baby, all flying insects are wasps and are hell bent on stinging her.

I won't even go into the conversation that occured when the giant cicada hit her in the leg. Stupid bugs!!

First Nations said...

oh, i'm fine with creepy crawlies. not overjoyed, but i'll live.
of course, you did not see me last night when a dragonfly landed on my coffee cup in the front room. now, they are pretty from a distance, or as jewelery, but close up they are RATHER TOO GODDAMN BIG and very very ugly and have this gross long claw-y pinch-y thing that undfolds down from their head like Alien....
so yeah, i was screaming like a little girl and hopping and flapping while the Yummmy Biker made halfhearted swatting motions at it with a piece of paper. oh how we laughed.

DaBich said...

You can call me anything you wish, g :)

G said...

FF: I hope you've gotten her back for those transgressions! ALthough I recall all sorts of similar occurrances with my sibs.

GG: Thank you. Look at that - FF..GG, so orderly. I do believe I deserve a medal of valor or an ice cream cone. That is indeed a creeepy feeling. Yes clothes "pegs" - the most underrated useful tool of this century.

Pinky - Oooh, just reading cica...I cringe. When you think about it - we humans are such oafs to these little insects. Yet we are helpless to coexist with them.

FN: Okay now you have me laughing - the jumping/the half hearted swatting motions. cracking up.

db: then I shall (within reason of course my dear).

Minka said...

That wa sso hilarious and well written. You are an awesome MOM.
Mine would have said: "Deal with it!":)

Tali sounds just grand and decided on things small and big!
Hope she has come over that little shock!

actonbell said...

Wow, G, that's a fantastic post:) Tali's just a weensy bit of an arachnophobe, huh? I feel her pain--not about spiders, but about centipedes. I'm the same way about those--things.

*shiver, bristle*
You're hero-mother!

Doug said...

Huge applause!* Great Story! Well told!

Two questions:

1. Did you win anything?
2. Don't you think maybe the children are old enough for firearms?

G said...

Minka: Thank you Minka - it's funny in retrospect. I must admit to being slightly frustrated when I couldn't get the kid to open the door! Why yes I believe she has overcome the shock (but let's not tell her I wrote a post about it:)

Actonbell: We're not fans of centipedes either, but Tali reserves a special fear for spiders (I just hadn't realized how it had crossed over the fear line...). She's the only kid I know whose favorite season is winter for this very reason.

Doug: Haha Doug. Thank you...sort of. This stuffed animal - want it? Tali definitely, Julian maybe after Kindergarten.

Sar said...

G - that had my laughing! So funny and damn that was well written, missy. I think you deserve an award for removing screens for screams. ;)

And btw, congratulations on making the finals in this week's caption contest!

G said...

Thank you Sar - always love good news from the Stiletto! Yay! Let the promotion begin! Good times.

ariel said...

after the comments above I too admit that I was laughing my head off while reading. but this is your fault, G, it was written too well!

G said...

Ah, thanks Ariel. That just may be what separates us humans from the insects - laughter, mingled in with irrational fear bordering phobia.

April said...

I am shocked at how speciesist you and you're reader's are and I was horified by you're discription of the grasshoppers murder!!!!! You should educate you're daughter to apreciate her special moments with wild life!!!!!!

G said...

April, I am sorry to have offended you, but my child was clearly under attack. I certainly would have attempted something a bit more, er humane, but quite frankly I believe I may have gone into a blind rage defending my child.

I hope you can understand that. We're usually much kinder to houseflies, but that's only when they take our heed to shoo.

Tali 'the inspiration' said...

Mommy the story of the 'spider' was way funnier after it happened. it was great by the way. You have blog in your blood! P.S. I think this is my sencond longest comment. P.S.S.To all fellow blogers: what? a kids got to comment. P.S.S.S. This is now the longest comment ever that I have written.