It was an evening like any other in the Lampshade Household. The kids each had reasons why they ate their dinner a little earlier and so for Julian after a full day in his underpants and no accidents, he decided that enough was enough. After cleaning him up, into the bathtub he went. Tali decided she wanted to take a shower and so went downstairs for same.
Which left Scissors and I to have dinner as the two of them luxuriated on their respective lilly pads. The two of us - no kids at the table.
That is until I heard, "MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYY!!!!!!" which caused me to drop my fork and go sprinting downstairs to a locked bathroom door. Jiggle handle - "Tali, what's the matter?!" Horrified sobbing response:
T: "There's a spider outside the shower door".
M: "Okay, open the door and let me in."
T: "If I do that, he'll jump on me."
M: "Tali, spiders don't jump. Open the door quickly and just hit the handle of the door."
T: "It jumps, I saw it jump!"
M: "Open the door, Tali, I can't help you from out here."
T: "This is why I want you to take a shower with me."
M: "Open the door Tali, you can do it."
Parental Unit 1 calls for backup to Parental Unit 2 who joins me. "We got a kid frozen in fear in the shower, spider spotted on premises, *crackle* request backup."
D: "Tali open the door, it's Daddy, I'll get whatever it is.
T: "I caaaan't - I'm afraid".
I get kicked upstairs - 10 minutes elapse. Daughter still holed up in shower. I go back downstairs. Tali pleads, "Go outside and throw something in the window at it to get rid of it." I'm desperate enough for it to make sense. I go outside, open the screen (yes dear readers, this is the city so there are of course some bars (nice looking ornamental) but yes bars on the window which would prevent anyone from climbing in a tiny window that maybe a Bratz doll would fit through anyway. I can however, reach through and open the screen and for once be happy that there is a nurf football on the windowsill (?) okay. I pelt it in the direction of the offender.
M: "Tali, is it there?"
T: "It's not moving, it's dead.
M: "Okay I'm coming in - open the door."
T: "It's not deeeaaaadd, throw some other things"
Alright, three clothespins and a large wooden dreidl later (which again I am only too happy to have on hand to pelt but do wonder why we would need a dreidl in August in the backyard), the offender has moved, but not enough to satisfy Tali. A few Ello design pieces of Tali's shoved under the door and the offender has moved away from the shower door. Whereby I talk Tali off the ledge and the lever clicks downward allowing me to gallantly burst in with toilet paper in hand, drop on the floor, move things around and find a...grasshopper! Well now that would account for the jumping!
Animal rights activists may want to leave the room now. I smashed him up in the toilet paper and flushed him to his watery resting place. I turned to Tali who had injured herself in the shear terror of the moment and had blood on her side from digging her nails in. As I wrapped her up and said "There there, it's okay, Mommy's here, it's gone." Tali, no longer crying but needing to have someone to blame for this horror, glared "I told you that you should take a shower with me".
And so up we went to get her ready for the cooldown with the weaponry from the attack still lying on the floor.
Why couldn't she just have inherited my eye color?