Monday, August 07, 2006

I'm 30!!!

Well actually that train came and left the station some time ago. No this is post #30. Nothing remarkable planned. In fact, just trying to write a little more about what I know not as I have not come inspired. Shall I post pictures of my habitat? Eventually, need to get my digital camera "things" that enable hook-up to the computer all set up. Tap tap tap.

Okay above was started a few days ago and so apparently inspiration or time have not been plentiful. And here I am smack in the middle of Sunday night. It seems that a force outside of me started this blog. No, not Pia or Doug although the way Pia was so matter of fact about it, sort of like "if you want to start one, let me know" just made it seem so - possible and I think Doug eventually threatened to just start one for me. With Pia's encouragement and Doug's threats, here it is - Simply Said.

Forewarned is fair armed so if you think this is going to be one of those fun posts, head on over to the sidebar and run without looking back to CENTRAL SNARK. or any other number of fun, or well-written hangouts where I bide my time. But for some reason I sit here alone in a quiet house while my kids slumber. And I'm not feeling peaceful as I should be in this moment. And I'm not feeling able to put down on paper why. And I'm wondering why people make marriage look so easy. And I'm wondering why when it's me and my children, we're so happy together. And I'm wondering why you should have to argue when it's 80 degrees outside at the use of central air conditioning. And I'm wondering why I have a headache. And I'm wondering why I'd like to actually pull a certain Mr. Scissors hair out of his head. And I'm wondering. Then I'm understanding why divorce is rampant. Then I understand why kids never quite get over it but never quite miss the bickering. Then I understand that petty arguments do more to unravel a kid's happiness. Then I understand. I know we will not be divorced, although I sometimes dream about that. I know that my children will feel happy in their home. I understand it will not always be easy. I wish my kids did not see me being so real sometimes. But I understand my doing so paves the way for their scary emotions to be allowed and talked about. Maybe that's why I blog, mine never were.

My mother said on one of our "Calls from the Road" referring to how it wasn't always easy growing up in a large family, maybe my sibling to whom she referred didn't feel heard - she says to me. I want to say yes, Ma, that's right - we didn't have enough attention. Wah. If it only were so simple. And why shatter her illussions that she puts her head upon each night. She's 81! She should live and be well.

And without having said anything, I've said something. Without baring my soul, I've uncovered a nerve. I know. I understand why John Lennon wrote that Woman is the Nigger of the World. And I wish that I didn't. And I still have a headache.

21 comments:

Pavel said...

G, I'm not quite sure why I woke up at 1:35am but I did see your posts at my site and I got all excited to see if you posted something new.
And you did, a post with a message that is so relevant in my life right now, I would have thought you've been peeking in my window and seeing my life.
Marriage is a difficult thing for some and it has been so with me. I will pray for yours.

cj said...

Oh Gina. Marriage is hard, and it takes a lot more work than dating does. I'm thinking of you.

brian said...

GQ,

Sometimes I wonder how the world would have been for our parents and grandparents if the technology that exists today was back then. Can I see my mother with a blog? Or my grandmother? I know you have diaries or journals, but blogging is different. It's more real and raw, it feels like being in a room full of strangers, strangers that presume to sit down for dinner and drink all your beer.

Marriage takes hard work, especially if one partner is doing all the growth. And then there are the children. I am not a good role model for that, I wished every day that my parents would split up.

Thanks for sharing.

neva said...

so now i'm kicking myself for not insisting you drive out here today. tho', maybe hanging in is exactly what you need.

life is hard, not to mention messy. we *all* want to pull someone's hair out at times, most often our own. i already know the passionate and loving committment you have to your family, so i don't worry this post is indicative of anything more than the fact that you don't smile every minute of every day. as your NBFF, and one who loves you like a sister already, i wish you did, because your's is a beautiful smile, capable of lighting up a room and/or lifting the spirits of anyone lucky enough to see it!

that said, there's no reason you should have to argue over using central-air when it's 80 degrees outside. heck, i used to joke that getting a station wagon would be grounds for divorce... sometimes it doesn't take much to put any of us over the edge.

my brother-in-law once said one of the most beautiful and profound things i ever heard regarding marriage (he's a clinical psychologist/college prof). after he was asked how he managed to stay married to my sister for (at the time) 27 years, he said: "because *not* being married to her has never been an option." of course, that doesn't work for everyone... i've been through divorce, so i know what i'm talking about here. but when the good outweighs the bad, when *not* being with someone ultimately sounds far worse than *being* with them, that's when you know you have something to build upon. a reason to stay.

abusive/unhearing/non-communicative parents? been there/had that alcoholic mother/know that slap to the self-esteem. *that* we'll talk about over lunch. but, trust me, you will never be that person... and your children will be better for it, no matter what else happens in their lives.

all these words to say: i know you're not actually headed down any destructive paths... but i'm SO sorry you were feeling morose last night. maybe it's because you just "turned" 30, which is always a time to be introspective. does somebody need a hug? xoxo

pinky said...

I feel as though I stumbled upon a private conversation. A silent war within and that I have no right to be looking.

But, I can't seem to stop looking. I can't stop thinking of how I felt when my parents divorced and then when I did. I remember the pain and I remember how happy me and my daughter were when it was just us, no one else. I remember hearing my parents fight and throw things. I remember that my mom couldn't handle it all, so my brother and I took the brunt of her anger. I remember not wanting that for my daughter and walking away, knowing I had tried everything that could be tried and that my marriage had failed, and it wasn't a loss, but a freedom.

I remember when my husband asked me to marry him. All the fears of my previous marriage came to the surface on what should have been a happy moment. I didn't let it show, because the man in front of me was not, and is not, the boy I had left years before.

One year later, we still argue over stupid things but my, no - our, daughter is loved, protected and happy. I wake up every day and remind myself why I got remarried. I tell myself the things about him that if he were gone, my heart would never get over. I tell him I love him and I mean it. I never want him out of my life so I hold dear, argue when it matters, forget when it doesn't, forgive when he apologizes and say "I'm sorry" when I'm wrong.

I didn't mean to go on, but I thought if I let you peek into my heart, like you let everyone else do to you, that maybe it would help. Maybe you could find some comfort. Maybe you could find some semblance of peace. You are in my thoughts and I thank you for letting me into yours.

G said...

For the record I have neither suicidal or homicidal tendencies (thoughts yes - and then, only homicidal but that doesn't count because they are not necessarily homicidal, but maybe let's say he might have fussed with Snuppy's hair in these daydreams!).

I will offer all a collective thanks and a hug back. You know I wrote this because I felt it. Neva (befitiing a NBFF) probably is getting a good clue of the type of person I am and the life I lead. I want to clarify if anyone got the idea that my children are in any way not happy or safe in their own home, that is very much not the case. Mr. Scissors is a very devoted father and sometimes he even ranks high as a husband (but right now his devotions seem threatened by me in some way and it comes out in the form of arguing over central air). I try not to bicker often, but that's why I end up needing to write a post like this I guess.

I was going to take the Lennon song out, because I don't like the "N" word, but I felt so strongly in the moment that I just needed something to express that and so the song stays! I also wanted to feel free to just put out a part of my life that is not "under my control" right now and look at it.

And everyone is right - marriage is hard and takes a lot of work, committment and growth from both partners. Then add some kids into the mix, plunk yourself down into New York and wala - well, what's the saying - "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Allright, let's dig in here Scissors - Fall is almost here - the a/c is on until then.

You folks are all great and I do so appreciate your good thoughts. Pinky, well sorry this is your fisrt meeting with me, maybe read another post as I'm not always so Bell Jaresque.

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Amen!

First Nations said...

feeling this.
the yummy biker and i came from similar situations. skittish as hell, no safe, functional examples in our backgrounds to use as a guide...that is why it took us 13 years to finally bite the bullet and get married. yeah, on our 13th anniversary of being a couple.

yes, i know, i know.

heres a link-you have to scroll down to get to the relevant part, although the italicized intro is nice...now, i know nothing about this guys reputation in the jewish community so you be the ultimate judge of that, right? but he says a lot of very excellent things about creating and choosing. (it ain't catholicism, in other words! i can cuz i wuz. )

http://www.isralight.org/assets/Text/RBF_shoftim05.html
Small Tastings of Torah, Judaism and Spirituality
From Rav Binny Freedman

G said...

Wink to the blue eye.

FN: I can't believe you linked me into Rav Binny! He is very credible and I actually get a weekly e-mail from Isralight. What can I say - you are the bomb! I will look at this particular link.

Minka said...

I am gla dthat Pia suggests and Doug is threatening sometimes, but maybe you started this blog to just simply say something, hit a neutral ear and look at others...maybe in teh end to discover how normal you are.
*hands her a painkiller*

brian said...

Afternoon GQ,

I wanted to stop back and tell you that I know you are ok with your husband and your children, no fears there, but also to tell you that I for one, don't mind in the least you venting here. This is your blog!!! Say what you want, I am not offended by your words.

Your friend. B of HB

Miz BoheMia said...

My sister was raped at 12. I tried getting her help, both legal and psychological... my mother put a stop to that and told my sister to forget it ever happened and move on... that about sums up how we communicated...

To be in a place where communication occurs is magical... though not always peaceful. Understand the argument though not always men. How would you explain criticism of how much damn dishwashing liquid I put on the sponge and my washing techniques? Sending the man to hell with a few choice words got me the label irrational. Who knew?

Forget pulling hairs... smashing faces into walls is sometimes a delightful fantasy! *sigh*

And then I feel what Neva put into words brilliantly about why a family member of hers has a successful marriage... when asked why, said family member said that it is "because divorce is never an option"...

Beautiful... as is your post. Wish I could be there so we could go out and have a laugh fest of a verbal venting! Used to do me a world of good with a girlfriend back in SF... our worries would become hysterical criticisms, raunchy talk and baffled banter as to the workings of men... good times! And that worked wonders...

Consider this a wish of that for you my dear G! Besos to one delightful, wise, strong and simply fabulous woman all the way from Spain!

actonbell said...

I hope you get over that headache, and get a good night's sleep.

And I totally understand about the petty feuds--AC is something that's caused tension here, as a matter of fact! I love my husband to pieces, but sometimes I could just scream, really. At the same time, I feel bad about feeling that way...and then I look forward to us having a break from each other...and then I feel bad about feeling that way, because there are no MAJOR issues, here. We usually have a good time together. But still...it's the little things.

I'm frequently surprised at how hard marriage is, and we don't even have children, or loads of responsibilities.

I will send you happy vibes<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< and think of you:)

Doug said...

The only advice I have to offer about marriage would be coming too late. But I'll tip my hat to my strange new friend across the country and wish her an ice cube for her forehead and a back-up in a glass.

Joel said...

Here's hoping tonight is a much better night. We all have those days, sometimes entire weeks of "those days." Next time you guys lunch ask Neva to tell you about the time she dumped all my clothes on our bedroom floor...I totally deserved it, by the way.

G said...

Minka: Did I mention how much you were missed?

Brian: Thanks Brian, if I can't vent here - eh?

MizB: Ay, the damage done. Yes we too often ignored the elephant in the middle of the room in my family of origin. What an effed up way to grow up as I look back.
That's it a verbal venting get together! Now face smashing - I like that! "Here! You'll feel much better after this facial!".

Actonbell - thank you for your good vibes - I feel them. I remember Cheryl Crow song lyrics that went "No one said it would be easy, no one said it'd be this hard". Hope you had a nice vacation break.

Doug: Ah, the ole a day late and a dollar short. Pass the ice.

Joel: See that's why you're known as BoBo the Wise - you say that you deserved it! "Say the magic word and the duck will come down and you win $50!". Groucho Marx in You Bet Your Life

Thanks all, going off to get some rest...You all made me feel much better today, thanks.

pia said...

It's funny, Gina, we must be on some similiar wave length--just blogged something different yet similiar

Life is hard. We all make choices. I think you know that you made a great one---not the blog, though I love it--the life choices

pinky said...

I had no other way to contact you so I'm letting you know through comments. Sorry if it's poor form.

You Wond Second Place in the Name the CUff Contest!! You get a 15% discount to use in my shop at any time! I posted all about it on my blog, so go look if you can.

Thank you for participating and for bringing me a sandwich! :)

G said...

Pia: In my heart I know that I have, what can I say sometimes life just gets under my skin and then the rose colored glasses need to come off.

Pinky: Wom, I'm tickled, well Pink! How great is that - it's a beautiful bracelet, glad that it found the perfect name!

~ good girl ~ said...

Hey G,

I'm not sure I'm the right person to comment on this. lol. I'm still looking for that husband to slap :-)

But...my parents waged silent battles. Was there ever a war these battles belonged to? No. I almost wish they did have one, maybe it'd have made more sense to me. My folks came from prior marriages. My stepdad, really just dad to me, was my mother's second chance to believe in a world that had gone very wrong for her. My role was to make sure i did everything right, to appear the perfect kid in his eyes. Anything less might threaten their marriage, you see. Actually, I didn't. I have lost count of the number of times my mother had threatened to leave him if I'd felt so unhappy living by Brady Bunch rules. I have also lost count of the days no one wld talk to me. The weight of an adult's marriage on a child's shoulder is a big one.

So, the truth is, I don't know how much is too much to let you kids in how how real life is. Some days, I'd wished I knew more. Some days, I'd wished I knew nothing. But, and I know you do this, keep the lines of communication open. There will always be things they want to say, and often, they say in non verbal ways.

I hope Mr Scissors has a lot of hair. Because I strongly advocate pulling it out when you want to :-) Seize the moment, didn't someone say? Why, let's apply this wisdom when it suits us.

Love,
GG xo

G said...

Thanks GG. That was some heavy stuff laid at your feet my dear. I think what I am going through right now is just working out some of my kinks individually. So naturally, anyone closely affiliated comes under the scope.

I think Scissors and I will get through this, I know it won't always be easy but I do know my children will feel loved and cherished throughout.

Usually I just pull his hair out in my head so there's always a plentiful supply.