Thursday, October 04, 2007

How I Got My Thing Back

Where last we left off in this tale, our relaxed heroine (me) had returned from a seaside vacation with her family to be greeted by next door neighbor who has construction underway in his home.

And action!:

Yuri: Okay, so here's vut's happening vile you were gone. Zhere vere a bunch of robberies in ze neighborhood.
Me (alarmed):Oh no! What would you call a bunch?
Yuri: Zhree - zat's not important

I begged to differ but didn't at that point.

Yuri: Vut happened is zees - ze guy came and took a package from your porch and zey found it at one of the homes in the bushes. Maybe he try to use it to pretend like he's a delivery man to go up to ze houses.
Me: Gasp in horror: That was my Thing!
Yuri: Oh zat's good, I zought it was my computer, heh heh. Anyway, I talk to ze detective and he told me ze story. So you're gonna call the precinct and ask about it.
Me: I guess zat's, I mean that's what I'm going to do.

Me: Phoning Local Precinct: Hello, my name is G Lampshade. Apparently a package containing my Thing was stolen from my porch and used as a ruse to gain entrance to some homes in a string of burglaries that occurred in my neighborhood.
Desk Officer: Mam, you'll have to come down to the Precinct as how would we know that it's your Thing that you're calling about without identification?
Me: Fine, I'll be there tomorrow.

Scene 2: The heroine has decided to walk to the Precinct to inquire about her Thing. Her daughter is along for the trip as they will be going farther on to finish a book report in a local library as Yuri's construction has hit a fevered pitch. As they walk, the heroine bravely tries to assure child that she has nothing to fear going into a precinct possibly mixing it up with some perps as Mommy is here. Child replies "I think you're the one who's nervous, Mommy." Heroine mutters, "Me? Nah." she reassures daughter by clutching her hand even tighter.

They arrive at the precinct with the daughter soaking up the whole dingy atmosphere. They approach the desk officer:

Me: Hello, my name is G Lampshade. I called last night about my missing Thing that was stolen from my front porch.
Desk sergeant (in slight Russian accent): Vel, vy don't you call the post office?
Me: Because they didn't take it into evidence - the NYPD did.
Not one to be put off (after all I've watched every Law and Order series) ask, "Isn't there a detective handling this?"

The desk officer calls upstairs and immediately speaks to the detective in question. He gives my name and the detective came downstairs with full knowledge of the case. My Thing was indeed taken into custody and was being dusted for prints. The detective calls over another detective to ask where it is in the process.

Both of them then asked: "Was it of value?"
Me: "Well, uh, maybe not just yet. But perhaps in the future."
Detective 1: What did it contain?
Me: Well I'm not exactly sure. It's a thi, a work of art.

The detective took my name and number and assured me that he would get it back to me as soon as possible and I agreed to calling my Art Source to see if I could obtain another.

We leave the precinct only hearing one curse word (and that was out of an officer's mouth), seeing no perps and with a crush on the detective.

On to the library we went where after a series of unfortunate events (including but not limited to wacko parents and overzealous beginning readers) which prevented daughter from completing book report, we arrived home. Scissors is in the driveway and mentions, "the detective dropped by and left your package. It's inside."

I run inside excitedly to open THE THING! At first, I was mad that the detectives gave it back. Bear in mind that The Thing was conceived not really as art but as "a quarterly periodical in the form of an object." I forgot that last part and had in mind art when I opened my Thing:

Okay, okay so it's not as if I have to hang it on a window which is sort of annoying because maybe I would have if we had a standard size window in the house in need of a shade. Then the thought occurred (well actually not my original thought but that of the creators) that it could be hung anywhere.

We have a spot picked out in the downstairs hallway but I realize it could possibly send a negative message to Scissors' clients that his work is in need of forgiveness.

Anyway, that will only be on sunny days.


Grundir the Implacable said...

So you went to a lot of trouble to retrieve something that was used to commit a great many evil deeds, even though it was of no real use to you?

Been there.

Anonymous said...

Truth is always stranger than fiction! What a great story. Sorry that it had to happen, but it provided you some good material, huh? I like how you always find the humor...xo

Anonymous said...

That's just weird. :( Well the shade is weird. :)

Shari said...

Okay, now that you got your Thing back, I gotta get my groove back.

Good post, as always. :)

Anonymous said...

That certainly got my attention.
One of my Chinese students gave me a scroll that apparently gives the three ingredients of excellence, but I think yours is more stimulating.

tsduff said...

It's your thing, do what you wanna do.

Doug The Una said...

I second Tali. Weird but funny. The story behind that story must be a corker, too.

Mother Theresa said...

Glad you got your thing back, had an educational field trip, and didn't run into any criminals along the way. Interesting concept, that thing. So, has Yuri finished with his annoying construction yet?

Ariel the Thief said...

Never saw the detective again? Men...

I enjoyed the story, it is your fault that it was funny!

Anonymous said...

You tell a story so well, and your Thing would not look out of place in my home. Thank you for posting your experiences. I'm still looking for my Thing - in my case it's my sanity that I've misplaced.


Miz Nix

TLP said...

LOL. You got your thing back. Almost as good as getting your groove back. Almost being the key word.

No,no,no, it really is a piece of art. I mean...if you say so.

That detective. Doesn't write, doesn't call....

G said...

Grundir, somehow if anybody could have related, I knew that it would be you.

Cindra, I think the humor finds me more often than not. Me too, but let's see what happens with the rest of my Things - it's a quarterly issue :) I live in hope. Thanks my friend. xo

Talimuffin, yet you helped me find a place for it. Define weird please.

Shari, I have no doubt that you will girl. Thanks.

Weirsdo, I could throw in a fortune cookie and it could be yours.

Terry, true. Besides, I'm not sure who to sock it to.

Doug, A thousand stories in this naked city. Corker - you just don't hear enough of that word anymore.

Theresa, true. Those are all things that I strive for in a good field trip.

The construction, I fear, is months from completion. Every time, I think the worst part is over, some other annoying bi-product appears. The latest of which is some sort of snowy debris from stucco installation. Luckily, our otherwise good relationship with his family far.

Ariel, never. Maybe I was too needy :)

Sure, blame it on me - not TheThing.

MizNix: sanity is so overrated - at least that's what I've heard. Thank you for visiting and your kind words. Love your avatar (Sean the Sheep). Peace ~ G

TLP - got any standard sized windows in need of a little coverage?

He took my number...

FirstNations said...

*cracking up* only you, g. man oh man.

The shade is cool! it reminds me of that canvas 'screaming in spanish' that steve martin bought years ago.

Anonymous said...

Just be glad that the package didn’t contain a consignment of recently ordered sex toys or alluring bright red skimpy’s.

My neighbour once upset me with some building work so I dug a tunnel from my house to his (took about 7 or 8 years to dig).

I used to sneak up through his floor during the night whilst he was asleep & swap his entire wardrobe for an identical set of clothes but one size smaller. The next day I would just sit with a coffee & smile to myself as he jogged past my window on his new fitness regime.

At first I didn’t realise the full potential for my tunnel until one day when I ran out of milk for my coffee.


Anonymous said...

I used my extensive knowledge of all three Law & Orders when I had to go to the police after my identity was stolen

Asked the first policeman to find a grown up uh a dectective after he told me that I probably lost my wallet as I showed him a letter from bank accusing me of defrauding them of 200K--a stranger who had more access to my accounts than I ever had--pretended to make a deposit

The detective took one look at the letter and apologized for the patrolman--not that he or anybody including the bank could exactly understand the letter

Great story :)

G said...

fn: it could be you too, for the price of one subscription ;) Your memory and ability to reference the most arcane items amazes me, fn.

Granny, I know. That package was delivered the following week, pfew.

You slay me Granny. 7 or 8 years? You don't happen to be in prison, do you?

Pia, see! Who needs law school with Law and Order?! Heh heh.

Minka said...

too funny.

The accents, the police innuendoes and the final-desperately awaited piece of art. Art it is!


Heather said...

Loved it...all of it! The Thing/Art cracks me up!

G said...

Minka, art it is! When's your birthday again? We'll be ready for it :)

hmbt, some ideas for you perhaps? Or not. :)

Claire said...

I guess I lost my thing AND my groove, cuz I don't understand what the Thing is exactly. A wall hanging/window shade made by who? Now you have to forgive Me for being dense...

G said...

Actonbell, it certainly could have. I'm picturing a David Lynch movie here. I'll keep you all posted quarterly.

Claire, the last Thing I wanted was to confuse you or make your head hurt here. THe THing is explained a lot better than I could under the link. It is an everyday object, in this case a window shade, that an artist (be it an author, painter, performance, etc.) has come up with some idea and then that idea gets carried out by volunteers. So came this painted shade. Okay, I'm rambling and perhaps confusing you further. In other words, I *won't" buy this for you as a birthday present.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahaha. i see ours wasn't the ONLY drama in the blogosphere.

glad you got your "thing" back, dearest NBFF! after the perp is apprehended, maybe you should buy another one to hang in his cell. just a thought... heh heh. ; )

Nessa said...

I'm glad you got your Thing back and I am also glad you were not charged with being an accessory to a crime; D

Speedcat Hollydale said...

Stopping by to say hello. I just realised you were at my page, and wanted to see what yours was like. I'm glad I did :-)

Speedcat Hollydale

The ZenFo Pro said...

Dear Lord! And I thought my October was a strange one! Wow!

Great post!!!

Logophile said...

wow, I wish I had one.
Wouldn't fit any of my windows either but I could make up some very interesting stories about it
You story was the best though

G said...

Neva, you make me laugh even though I know the sadness that you and your family are going through right now. Sending hugs and love your way. XOX

Nessa, don't think we weren't scrambling for alibis. My spotty blogging of late would only add to the suspicion, I suppose.

Speedcat, I'm glad you did too. Welcome.

Zenfo, there is no way that my months are ever weirder than yours, but thanks. :)

Logo, you certainly could. I might raffle it off. So good to see you.

I'll be visiting soon.